Jack (the father) discovered Diego the morning that he died. Eina was there within seconds. They called 911, but it was too late for the EMTs to do anything. Of course, the police came, too. Eina was in bedroom 1 with Vivian, my mother was in the kitchen, and I forget where my dad was. The police were interviewing Jack in bedroom 2, I think – I’m a bit fuzzy on some of the details of that morning. (Of course, some details are burned into my brain.) There was an officer in the hall. I think the door to bedroom 3 was open, and I think Diego’s body was in bedroom 2. I remember picking up Eina and holding her in my lap (I’m a lot bigger than she is). I listened to her talk and cry, and I cried with her.

It felt like an eternity, but Jack finally came out. He’s too big for me to pick up and hold. He lay curled up with his head in his hands. The door to bedroom 2 remained closed, and no one in the family was given access to Diego.

The sheriff/coroner personnel arrived and told us that they were going to bring Diego out. I think they said, “so you can say good-bye.” But like I said before, I’m fuzzy on some of the details. One of the police officers walked into the living room with Diego in his arms. My mother was hiding in bedroom 3; I never saw her leave the living room, but I remember wondering where she was and realizing the door to bedroom 3 was closed. Eina, Jack, and my dad were sitting on the couch. Diego was wrapped in a sheet with his head uncovered. I thought he looked like he was sleeping.

The officer laid Diego’s head in Eina’s lap and stretched him out over Jack and Dad. It was awful to watch. Not only was I seeing people in indescribable pain, but they were some of the people that I loved best in the world. And I was in considerable pain of my own. It was awful, but it got worse.

Jack, Eina, and my dad are screaming in pain. I’m crying. One of the sheriff/coroner persons is crying. The other and the police officers are studiously looking at the floor. It seemed to go on for an eternity and, yet, for a much, much too short time. The crying coroner looks up at me and says, “It’s time.” And I had to do the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.

I had to restrain Jack and Eina while the sheriffs gently pried Diego out of their arms.

And then Diego was gone.

Whoever it was that walked into the living room carrying Diego, certainly, could have continued walking and denied us that last chance to hold his body. She could have been concerned that we might contaminate the evidence, but I suppose since we had had access to Diego before they got there that this is different from the article. Certainly, they considered the possibility that one of us had killed Diego; it happens all too often that a family member kills a child. I suppose they could have been concerned that we might drop Diego or that he might be dropped when they were prying him out of our arms, but they had control. I just don’t understand why the investigator refused to allow the parents to not only not see their dead child, but to not touch him. I just don’t. She was there. She could have had law enforcement officials there. The hospital staff was there.

All I can think is that that examiner was so full of her own self-importance that she was unable to feel compassion.

It was awful when it happened to us, but after going through it, I would never, never disallow someone else that last chance to hold her baby.

Please, support research into Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood. Please, have a heart for the grieving families.

Laura Crandall is focused this month on getting the support of the following Senators who all sit on the U.S. Senate Heath committee. They will help determine if the bill moves out of committee onto it’s next step in order to become law. Can you please look at the list and if you live in one of the their states PLEASE fill out our quick and easy Advocacy Online Form now. It will generate an immediate email to them requesting they co-sponsor S1445. Emails from their constituents prior to my meeting with them would greatly help pave the way for success.

Lisa Murkowski (AK)
Judd Gregg (NH)
John McCain (AZ)
Tom Coburn, M.D. (OK)
Johnny Isakson (GA)
Lamar Alexander (TN)
Pat Roberts (KS)
Orrin G. Hatch (UT)
Richard Burr (NC)
Michael B. Enzi (WY)

In addition, please spread the link to our Advocacy Online Form far and wide to anyone you know in these states, as well as posting on your social networking sites. Thank you in advance!

COPING WITH THE HOLIDAYS

• Lower your expectations of yourself.
  
• Forget about what other people think you should do and feel – give yourself permission to feel and do whatever you think is right.
  
• It’s OK to stay away from children for a while.
  
• Pick and choose the family events you will attend.
  
• Find comfort or inspiration in a holiday event or a new tradition.
  
• Offer kindness and support to others who are having a hard time.
  
• Set some goals.
  These can be very small goals, like I will get out of bed on such-&-such day.
  
• Do something special for yourself.
  
• Look to your religious beliefs for strength and support.
  For those of us who aren’t religious and, perhaps, not even spiritual, we can still find comfort in rituals. A common ritual for many Americans is to make coffee first thing in the morning. It’s more than just the caffiene. The smell of the coffee as you spoon it out. Listening to it perk. Pouring that first cup. Wrapping your hand around the cup. Well, I find doing that very grounding and comforting.
  
• Plan ways to help you handle uncomfortable situations.
  Leaving, either temporarily or permanently, is always an option.
  
• Plan a special event for just your baby’s parents.
  
• Share with your family and friends what helps and what hurts.
  I am an aunt of a child that died. When I went to work for the first time after Diego died, one of my girlfriends took me to her office, closed the door, wrapped me in her arms, and cried with me. Just because it’s been a year, doesn’t mean that I couldn’t use that quiet comfort now, and I’m sure that it is true for parents.
  
• If you have other children, try to make the holidays fun for them.
  
• Holidays can be emotionally and physically draining. Try to get enough rest.
  
• Anticipation of any holiday can be worse than the actual holiday.
  
• Remember- holidays are only temporary.
  

Coping with Grief during Holidays

1. DECIDE WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE COMFORTABLY AND LET FAMILY AND FRIENDS KNOW. Can I handlle the responsibility of the family dinner, etc. or shall I ask someone else to do it? Do I want to talk about my loved one or not? Shall I stay here for the holidays or go to a completely different environment? Whatever you want is what your family and friends want to give. Please, please, don’t be afraid to say no, this is too much, not now, I can’t, etc. If you can, tell us what you think might work. We love you, and we want to comfort you and help you while you are grieving.
   
2. MAKE SOME CHANGES IF THEY FEEL COMFORTABLE FOR YOU. Open presents Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning. Vary the timing of Channukah gift giving. Have dinner at a different time or place. Let the children take over decorating the house, the tree, baking and food preparation, etc.
   
3. RE-EXAMINE YOUR PRIORITIES: GREETING CARDS, HOLIDAY BAKING, DECORATING, PUTTING UP A TREE, FAMILY DINNER, ETC. Do I really enjoy doing this? Is this a task that can be shared?
   
4. CONSIDER DOING SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Donate a gift in the memory of your loved one. Donate money you would have spent on your loved one as a gift to charity. Adopt a needy family for the holidays. Invite a guest (foreign student, senior citizen) to share festivities.
   
5. RECOGNIZE YOUR LOVED ONE’S PRESENCE IN THE FAMILY. Burn a special candle to quietly include your loved one. Hang a stocking for your loved one in which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings. Listen to music especially liked by the deceased. Look at photographs. I really like the stocking idea.
   
6. IF YOU DECIDE TO DO HOLIDAY SHOPPING, MAKE A LIST AHEAD OF TIME AND KEEP IT HANDY FOR A GOOD DAY, OR SHOP THROUGH A CATALOGUE.
   
7. OBSERVE THE HOLIDAYS IN WAYS WHICH ARE COMFORTABLE FOR YOU. There is no right or wrong way of handling holidays. Once you’ve decided how to observe the time, let others know.
   
8. TRY TO GET ENOUGH REST — HOLIDAYS CAN BE EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY DRAINING.
   
9. ALLOW YOURSELF TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS. Holidays often magnify feelings of loss. It is natural to feel sadness. Share concerns, apprehensions, feelings with a friend. The need for support is often greater during holidays.
   
10. KEEP IN MIND THAT THE EXPERIENCE OF MANY BEREAVED PERSONS IS THAT THEY DO COME TO ENJOY HOLIDAYS AGAIN. THERE WILL BE OTHER HOLIDAY SEASONS TO CELEBRATE.
    
11. DON’T BE AFRAID TO HAVE FUN. Laughter and joy are not disrespectful. Give yourself and your family members permission to celebrate and take pleasure in the holidays.
    

Reprinted from *Bereavement & Loss Resources* a publication of Rivendell Resources and GriefNet.
Rivendell Resources grants anyone the right to reprint this information without request for compensation so long as the copy is not used for profit and so long as this paragraph is reprinted in its entirety with any copied portion. For further information contact: Cendra (ken’dra) Lynn, Ph.D. – Cendra@griefnet.org

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