We got the autopsy results on Wednesday. The finding was undetermined. It’s what I expected. Still I’m upset. It’s almost like I was hoping they would say, “Sorry, big mistake. He’s alive, and here he is.” I was so upset.

Or maybe it was like my nose was being rubbed in it. “He’s dead; he’s dead. We don’t know why. And there is nothing you can do.”

I can’t sleep. … I don’t want to sleep? …

I want him back.

I remember.
I remember hearing Diego running up and down the hallway every morning.
Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud.
I remember the delight at watching Monsters, Inc. over and over
and the joy inspired by all things pink and cute.
I remember the smile that came when I lay down on the floor to take pictures.
I remember the joy of an Easter egg hunt,
the thrill of the chocolate Easter bunny,
and the most marvelous temper tantrum that followed.
I remember the giggles that came when playing with your father.
I remember that closeness that you enjoyed with your mother.
I remember the excitement of getting on a train or a bus
and that that was so much fun that he would sit next to Abuela and give a little hug.
I remember the patience needed to get some M&Ms.
I remember a tired little boy who, happily, let me carry him to the car from BART.
I remember a perfect, beautiful, little boy.
I remember someone who makes me happy to have known him,
even if it was for far too brief a time.
I remember… Diego.

It’s been 2 months. I still can’t believe you are gone.

I can’t believe he is gone.

I still can’t believe he is gone. It’s like an ache that just won’t go away.

I had a good day today. My husband rocks! For my birthday, he & the kids gave me

1. Canon PowerShot SD790 IS Digital Elph
   
2. Hello Kitty Nano Ipod protector (It’s pink just like my ipod)
   
3. Hello Kitty pink earphones with “diamonds” for my ipod
   
4. Hello Kitty mouse with interchangeable covers.
   

I spent the day with Jack and Eina. We went shopping. Jack wanted to get Eina something at Macy’s, so Eina and I browsed the shoes while he shopped. We went to Cinnabon where Jack, Eina, and Vivian had cinnabons. I refrained. Then we spent way too long in the Sanrio store, but Eina really enjoyed it. We had lunch. I had Thai greenbeans and prawns and eggplant w/tofu, and Jack & Eina & Vivian shared a chicken burrito and more cinnabon. Vivian love chicken. On the way out, I noticed a Borders, so we stopped there. Jack wanted to get my kiddos gifts.

We had a good time.

Fairyland is closed on Christmas Eve. Losers!

I decided to take in a stuffed animal, a lion. Diego really like tigers, but I didn’t have a tiger. OTOH, Jack gave me the lion, probably more than 20 years ago, so the lion was special to me. I tucked the lion in the coffin with Diego to keep Diego company. I was able to stroke his hair and talk to him. He looked beautiful, like he was sleeping peacefully. I wish I could wake him up.

Some more things that I could have lived without:

• Having to drag Eina’s mom away from Diego when Jack and Eina wanted everyone to leave.
  
• Holding my mother while she moaned, “He’s not there; Diego’s not there. He cold. He’s not there.”
  

Good-bye Diego. I will hold you in my heart forever. I was so lucky to have known you. I love you.

I want him back. I want him back. Give him back.

My head hurts. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning.

Today was the worst day of my life. Diego died last night. He wasn’t even three. He was very tired, but otherwise fine, when he went to sleep. He never woke up.

I wish it was yesterday. I wish I could stop today from coming.

Cafe du Parc

No, it was a drippy and grey day. We headed out for lunch. Cafe du Parc is a delightful little cafe. I forget what we had for lunch, but I do remember that I enjoyed the food.

They had an art display that I found captivating. Unfortunately, I could not afford a piece or the shipping home, so I bought a card. It’s so much not the same.

Happy Diego

Clowning around

Diego, of course, could not sit still while everyone finished their meals, so I took him outside to take some pictures.