Neefer Sews, Crochets, Crafts, Swims, and Blathers about Kids

Acorns to Oaktrees

February 12th, 2009 at 7:11 pm


I suffer from exercise resistance. I’m sure a lot of people share my ambivalence about exercise, and that includes both people who suffer with ED and people who don’t. Since I do have ED whispering to me, trying to get me down, and I fall for it, the whole concept of exercise is like a loaded gun. When I was really sick, I would ride my bike to work, walk at lunch, go to aerobics class, and ride my bike home for a total of 3 hours of aerobic exercise 5 days a week. This might be okay for some people, but it’s an awful lot of exercise. Most of us simply don’t have the time. And I was eating around 1000 calories per day. I’m a failed anorexic. :) That’s an ED joke. I couldn’t maintain that state for very long. So I turned to bulimia.

And now, I have this mindset that aerobic “exercise” must be at least an hour and I must get all hot and sweaty doing it or it isn’t “exerise”. Between having so little energy from being depressed and the ED and being terrifically busy working full time with 2 kids, I can’t do that much exercise. So I don’t exercise at all. Thought distortion: all or nothing and perfectionism.

While we’re at it, let’s add another thought distortion: should. I should exercise. There are lots of reasons for exercising. And they are all very valid. But when they get linked to should, I feel like this moral bar is being raised. And then I feel shame because, at this point, there is no way that I can “exercise”.

However, if I change the should to “What can I do to take care of myself, today?”, I change everything. The moral implications are defused … or maybe they are transformed into issues of responsibility. And that makes a big difference in how I react to them.

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