I was asked that in group yesterday. And why don’t I purge anymore? The answer isn’t simple.

I’m very motivated. I don’t want to leave my children by dying (or anything else). I have damaged my heart, so I am at fairly high risk if I don’t keep my electrolytes balanced.

When things were at their worst, I believe that I came very close to losing my job. That was highly motivating, altho not directly to the purging. Not only do I not want to leave my kids, I want to be a good mother. For me, that means having a good job and bringing home the bacon (among other things). If I’m suffering from depression and immersed in eating disorder behaviors, I can’t maintain a job.

In addition, I am now on antidepressants.

I think it is a combinationn of those things and all the tools that I’ve learned in the mostly CBT therapy that help me to NOT purge.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t think about it. It’s so seductive. It whispers in my ear and says that I can do “that” and not have any consequences. And sometimes I want to so badly.