Neefer Sews, Crochets, Crafts, Swims, and Blathers about Kids

Acorns to Oaktrees

June 13th, 2008 at 4:58 pm

I hate being depressed.

Me, having fun screaming at Santa Cruz

It ruins your whole day.

Midday, today, I felt like I was swimming thru molasses. I was sleepy and just walking across the house made me breathe heavy.

It’s my day off, so that’s why I’m home. I didn’t take a sick day.

I just felt like crap. I couldn’t do anything, so I lay down in bed to read or maybe nap. I thought that I could be still tired from being on business travel for 3 days earlier this week. I hate business travel.

I’m so wiped that I can’t even read. Do I go to sleep? No. I lie there thinking about how this sucks, and my life sucks (which it doesn’t), and everything sucks (which it doesn’t), and the world sucks (it does sometimes), and how unfair it is that I feel like this, and I’m ashamed that I’m lying down in bed in the middle of the day, and that does suck, and how I don’t want DH to come home and find me in bed ’cause I’m ashamed and I don’t him to think I’m lazy. And it all gets so overwhelming that I start to cry. Really cry hard, sob. And the dark feelings are feeding themselves with my negative thoguhts, and it gets worse and worse.

And what do you know. The CBT kicks in. The long years of therapy work. It takes me a moment to think of what I could do that would stop the thoughts. That’s my m.o. right now “Just stop!” So I drag myself out of bed. This takes huge effort and start to play computer solitaire, Spider to be exact. And I force myself to immerse myself in the game.

Did it work? It worked enough that I opened photoshop to see if any of the neato brushes that I downloaded would work with my version. And that worked well enough that I looked at some images that I had downloaded for collages. And that worked well enough that I got up and went to the front of the house to watch TV and work on my artist journal.

Then I cleaned the kitchen, and I felt good that I had cleaned the kitchen.

So I seriously kick ass at CBT.

No, really, it’s been a long hard haul. It’s nice to know the things I’m trying really are helping.

Depression sucks.

Category: Eating Disorder Tags: ,

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  • 1

    You rock. Depression does suck — but you worked through it. That is amazing. Yay for doing it and yay for recognizing that it was worthy of celebration!

    Liza Lee Miller on June 14th, 2008
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