Shame is the emotion that keeps an eating disorder going. One of my many therapists likes to say, “You can’t recover if you are coming from a place of shame.”

We did an exercise is group the other day that pushed my shame up so far that I could no longer deny it. It was a simple exercise. We were to list the times that we felt fat. We were not allowed to say “All the time”. However, I state that, categorically, a person with an eating disorder (almost) always “feels” fat. Was there enough qualification in that last sentense?

So when do I feel fat?

1. When I fill up a chair, I feel fat.
   
2. When I can feel my breasts, tummy, or inner thighs touch another body part.
   
3. When I can’t keep up with others when walking or climbing stairs.
   

I’m sure there’s more, but it was very painful for me to admit those.

I couldn’t bear to look up when I said them aloud in group.

So I’m confronting my shame. We’ll see.