Neefer Sews, Crochets, Crafts, Swims, and Blathers about Kids

Acorns to Oaktrees

June 7th, 2007 at 8:38 am

Separating myself from my husband

I got really good feedback in group last Tuesday. We went over foodlogs, and I had issues on Monday.

5:30 am
The usual oatmeal

9:30 am
2 string cheese
1 apple

1 pm
veggies
PB&J on whole wheat bread

4 pm
apple & yogurt

And now the problem.

I get home from work with the kids around 6 pm. DH is supposed to be making dinner, so that we can eat at 6:30. He is cleaning the yard. The yard looks fabulous, but I have an eating disorder. I help him with the yard. Then he fusses over something else and decides to take a shower. I start the steamed veggies. The kids start to pummel each other, and I figure it’s because they are hungry. While DH puts steaks on the grill and runs out for an errand, I make corn on the cob from frozen leftovers for the kids. The corn and veggies are ready before DH gets back, so we sit down to eat them. I just eat the veggies: broc & carrots. Did I mention that I am ravenous? I eat 4 cups of veggies, but I’m still hungry.

DH gets home with onion rings and french fries. 2 orders of onion rings. I get one order. The steaks aren’t ready. My plan had been to eat veggies and steak. Best laid plans, what?

I start in on the onion rings. I eat too much. I beat myself up in my head because I ate the onion rings.

And, get this: my onion rings were not cooked enough, but I’m so hungry that I eat them anyway. Then I notice that DH’s onion rings are well done, crispy. (No, he didn’t do that on purpose. I’m sure he didn’t look in the boxes before he gave me one. That would have required way too much effort on his part.) So what do I do? I disgusted with myself for eating the onion rings (disordered thinking). I am so obsessed with food at this point that I have no idea what my kids were talking about during dinner. I think I’ve eaten my steak, but I don’t remember the order that I ate things. I mean, I know I ate a healthy portion of steak, not too much, not too little, but did I eat it before or after I take that crispy onion ring from DH’s box? I can’t remember. The thoughts are whirling in my head. How many calories; how many fat grams; I’m never going to lose weight; I’m killing my heart; I’m going to die from complications to diabetes; I really, really, really wanted that onion ring when I was hungry; I tried to do the virtuous thing and wait for DH, but I’m too weak; I gave in; I’m stupid; I’m a failure; etc etc etc.

Lovely, what?

So afterwards, I came up with a new plan. Next time this happens, I will have whole wheat toast with butter while the kids eat their corn. We always have wwbread and butter. I like it, too. But there would be consequences for me.

My therapist had another viewpoint on this. I need to separate myself from my husband in this situation. I successfully separated the kids when I realized that WW III was about to break out due to hunger. But I didn’t separate myself; I clung to DH (metaphorically speaking) and endeavored to maintain married dinner with him. Maybe all you healthy people out there can do this, or, even better, you healthy people are able to separate yourself and feed yourself without self-recrimination. I have an eating disorder, so for me, it’s a lose-lose situation (without outside intervention). If I don’t wait for DH, I’m a bad wife which leads to a binge and triggers the sucking whirlpool that pulls me down into the eating disorder abyss. If I do wait for DH, I’m going to binge and trigger the sucking whirlpool that leads into the eating disorder abyss.

So my new plan:
1. Separate from DH.
2. Feed myself wholesome food.
3. Remind myself that I am doing the best thing for myself, for my kids, and for DH when I do 1 & 2.

and
4. tell DH that I don’t want the onion rings (establish a boundary).

He’s probably not going to get it. Afterall, he bought me onion rings, and I ate them. Ergo, I must want the onion rings. Further, I like onion rings. He knows that. And he knows that there would be hell to pay if he bought onion rings for himself and not for me (without input from me).

I’m terrible at this boundary stuff. I’m terrified of it. Why? That’s not important (CBT).

Everyone who knows me will say that I’m very assertive.

Except here. Somewhere, deep in my core, I believe that there should be no boundaries between me and DH, and that by putting up that boundary, I’m doing something awful like killing the relationship with DH. (Over onion rings, mind.)

So 4. is really hard for me.

However, I set it up as a goal. Tell DH to NOT bring me home onion rings. It’s okay if he brings them for himself, but they are bad for me. The fries are okay; I don’t like them.

I will do this.

I can feel myself getting anxious just thinking about this. You know, all trembly.

Maybe I’ll send him an e-mail.

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